


Ice and Cold

by sparrowhaven



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Altertale, Angst, F/M, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Minor Character Death, So much angst, a great many headcanons, a mix of sweet and bittersweet, and a few awful knock-knock jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-07-10 21:43:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7009234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparrowhaven/pseuds/sparrowhaven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sans always hides his feelings. He pushes them down as deep as he can until he can deal with them on his own later. Then he puts on a lazy grin so that no one can question what's wrong. </p><p>Well. He tries to, anyway. Life doesn't always give him a chance to hide. The feelings can end up bubbling and escaping without his permission. And he ends up making decisions that will affect him for a very, very long time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ice and Cold

**Author's Note:**

> This is based off of [friisans' AU](http://friisans.tumblr.com/atmasterpost) where the roles of Toriel and Asgore are switched with Sans and Papyrus. As such, I flipped around the way the characters would normally use uppercase and lowercase because that's canon to that particular AU. Everyone else is in the same roles, fyi. I suggest checking out her amazing and adorable art before you read this sad story.
> 
> EDIT: I kinda messed up the tagging (not quite used to it) but I fixed it.

Sans hadn't initially meant to wander the ruins. He'd only needed a place to get away from the palace. From the well-intentioned monsters offering their sympathies when they were also hurting. From the memories that threatened to suffocate him. The ruins were far enough away that it made it difficult to run into anyone that had known his siblings directly. Which was exactly what the royal skeleton wanted.

Pink slippers kicked at bright red leaves as he walked. There was a part of him that wanted to stop and rest, but most of him knew that if he did so for too long his thoughts would inevitably turn to how much he missed Gaster and Chara. It was like a hole in the universe existed where they both should have been. He kept trying to listen for their voices echoing down the halls, and half expected to see their shapes as he turned a corner. Sans could feel another, far more painful hole deep within him. It was a constant companion since his siblings had died. He mused that it was ironic that he felt empty when he was already a skeleton. A harsh noise came from his permanent (though at the moment small and sad) grin. It was the closest thing to a laugh that he'd come to in months.

Another noise caught his attention. Small feet crunching on old leaves. Someone was here? He glanced around before realizing that the sound was coming from around the next corner. Sans eased himself along the wall and carefully peered ahead. His eye sockets widened at the sight. A small human child, smaller even than Chara had been, slowly limped their way through the room. They wore a bright red ribbon in their messy black hair and held a plastic knife to their chest. Perhaps they meant to defend themself with it. A shade of red similar to the ribbon dripped from the child's knee to their soiled socks. This and tears in their clothing indicated that they had fallen. The child opened their mouth and a small, pleading voice came from it. "H-hello? I need help." They inhaled shakily. "P-please? I-is there anyone here?"

A pang came from Sans' ribcage. If he hadn't shown up...now wasn't the time to think about that. The skeleton took a breath to calm himself down, easing his face into a lazy grin. It wouldn't have the same warmth that he had shown to Chara, but it was the best he could quickly come up with. He folded his hands into his dark sleeves to hide how they shook and coolly took the corner as if he hadn't noticed the human calling out. They let out a screech, falling backwards onto a small pile of leaves. He briefly wondered what he'd done wrong when he remembered that Chara had given a similar reaction when they first met him. Sans gave the child an apologetic smile as he slowly walked toward them. They backed away into a nearby wall, panting.

"There's nothing to worry about, kiddo. I'm friendly. My name's Sans." He stopped moving, content to wait for them to approach him. Or give him permission to approach them. The child eyed him up and down, stopping at his bright pink slippers with a puzzled expression before looking back at his hooded face. Sans made himself smile a little wider. "You must've fallen down here. It's a good thing I was just about to check on that area." He hated to lie, however small, but the child was already terrified. What good would it do to make them feel worse about their situation?

Now the child piped up. "So you can take the human soul you find there?" Their whole body was tense. They didn't seem to be able to stand now that they were in something like a sitting position against the wall. The plastic knife lay forgotten near the path. Sans gripped at his wrist bones, thankful that the child couldn't see him react to their words.

"Why would I need a human soul?" He gave himself a mental pat on the back for keeping his tone even and calm. The child stared at him blankly.

"You're a monster," They said this as if he hadn't noticed something so obvious. It was kind of cute to hear it from such a small human. "And monsters all want human souls...right? That's what my grandpa always says."

It took everything Sans had to not roll the lights in his eye sockets at the old human propaganda. "I don't want a human soul. I'm fine wandering the Ruins here." The human continued to stare at him in confusion. "I only want to help you, kiddo. You're hurt and not all monsters around here are as nice as I am." There had to be a way to convince them that he was harmless.

It wasn't that Sans didn't trust other monsters. The skeleton was actually convinced that most monsters wouldn't follow his brother's edict to kill all humans that had fallen underground. He was mostly concerned about those who had taken the anguished declaration too seriously. Papyrus had been hurting. Everyone had been hurting. It was his duty to say something to help his people, even if he didn't mean it. If Sans took the human back to the palace, they could become their guardians. Family. No, it wouldn't be the same but it'd be something. Maybe that would help close the hole inside him.

He suddenly had a better idea of how to explain what he was doing in the Ruins. "You could say I'm a-guardian the humans around here." Sans winked. The child slowly blinked at him. He needed to work on his puns. It's no fun when your audience can't understand where you're going with your wordplay. "Uh, that is, I'm the Guardian around here." That was a close enough explanation for what he was. There would be plenty of time to explain his real role in the underground later. The kid was probably getting overwhelmed. Their grey eyes became the size of saucers.

"A guardian angel?" They spoke with reverence. Sans' smile twitched a little wider. He'd nearly forgotten what it was like to be seen as the coolest, "bestest" person in the room.

"Close enough. I can heal." He removed a hand from the sleeves of his robe and surrounded it with blue energy. His eyes glowed with the same color as the magic he was manipulating. The child stared at the display. For the first time since he'd met them, they smiled. He forced himself to not think about where the gaps in their teeth might have come from. "All I wanna do right now is fix you up. Is that okay?" After a moment of considering, they nodded. Sans carefully made his way to the child's side and kneeled down to get a good look at their injuries. It wasn't nearly as bad as he'd thought. He waved a hand close to where he'd seen the scrape. "This is gonna tickle a bit." He warned the kid as he let the healing magic get to work. They let out a startled gasp as the flesh pulled itself together and became smooth. Sans let the magic spread throughout the child's body, checking for anything he'd missed earlier. What was left were a few minor cuts and bruises. They had been really lucky.

When the skeleton was finished, the kid looked themself over and touched where they had previously been hurt. As soon as they were satisfied, they looked up at him once again. "Thank you." The fear they had shown him earlier was completely gone. It reminded him of a very similar, just as grateful thanks he had received what felt like a long time ago. Sans' metaphorical heart skipped a beat. He forced himself to focus on the present.

"Right. So. I'm, uh, gonna take you to my old house. I'm sure you're really tired from everything that's happened today, yeah?" The child had stood up, testing the newly healed knee. He remained on his own kneecaps, keeping a grip on his dark robe. It wouldn't help anything if he lost it right then. "If you're hungry I can make you a hot pocket." They stopped what they were doing to smile at him again. Sans kept a lazy grin on his face. "You like those, huh? And then after that I'm gonna hafta leave you alone for a little bit." Before the child could protest, he kept talking. It was against his nature, but necessary. "Just for a little while! I need to bring someone that'll really wanna meet you."

The kid pondered this with their arms folded and their cheeks puffed out. Finally, they seemed to reach a decision. "Promise you'll be back, though?"

Sans was very familiar with what to do here. He took a hand from his robe and extended his pinkie to them. "I promise." Satisfied, the child wrapped their own, much smaller finger around his.

Now you can't break your promise, ever! A voice he hadn't heard in a long time echoed inside his skull. His other pinkie twitched, trying to feel for the weight of a child that should be there. The skeleton pushed the memory aside. He could deal with it later. After the kid had been taken care of. While they waited, he would head back to the palace and tell his brother about the situation. The two of them would return to Home. Papyrus would take one look at the child and instantly want to take care of them. That's how it would go, Sans felt. Everyone would start to heal after this, he was sure of it.

\----

The plate broke upon impact with the ground. Papyrus stood over the crumpled body of the human child. In his hands were a glass container, holding a light blue colored soul. His eyes were closed, his expression sorrowful. Sans would only remember seeing that image much later. His focus in the moment was entirely on the child's body. And the all too familiar wound. He felt cold. Like his soul had started to freeze over. Sans didn't wait for his voice to stop shaking before he spoke. "Why...did you..."

Papyrus kept his eyes closed. "All humans who fall underground must die. Their souls will be gathered so that we may one day destroy the barrier and return to the surface." He held the container tighter. The older skeleton clenched his fists.

"Papyrus, this isn't right," Sans could feel his bones start to rattle with how angry he was. His spoke slowly, making sure his every word counted. "I know you're hurting, but that doesn't mean you need to kill humans."

"I need to do what is best for our kingdom, Sans. Have you not seen how much happier our subjects are now that they have hope?" Now the younger skeleton's eyes were opened. He turned to face his brother and stepped away from the body. "For the first time in a year I have seen smiles on the most despondent of monsters. Is that not worth any cost?"

Sans didn't know he could still feel new kinds of pain while he was suffering from losing Gaster and Chara. Now he knew. His eye sockets were dark, reflecting his emotions. "Even if the cost is a kid. A young kid. Who had a family. Who could have been--" He choked on his words. That possibility was long gone now. "I don't care that this was for the kingdom. Just because you lost your own siblings, it doesn't give you the right to take away someone else's family." Papyrus could only hold his brother's gaze for so long before he had to look away.

"The humans killed him, Sans. G--" The king took a breath. "Our brother is dead because of them." So he was using that excuse. He sounded less like a king and more like a child.

"Our OTHER sibling was human. Did you forget that in your rush to kill?" Sans mocked with a humorless grin. His eye lights were still out.

Now it was Papyrus' turn to sound angry. "They had no love for humans. They had clearly seen how cruel humans can be. Even on their deathbed Ch--" Again, he paused while attempting to say the name of a dead sibling. Again, he continued without saying it. "Our sibling only wished to see the flowers of their village. They said nothing of whatever family they might have had before falling. For all intents and purposes, our sibling was one of us." Papyrus indicated the container in his hands. "This sacrifice will be small in comparison to what we have already lost. As soon as I have the rest of the souls then we can take back the surface. Our siblings' lives will not have been lost in vain." Sans couldn't help but give a derisive snort.

"Both of them are GONE, Papyrus. Nothing can fix that. Especially not murdering MORE kids."

"I still have to try. For our kingdom." It was so obvious that the king was trying to convince himself as well as Sans. That only made the older skeleton angrier.

"You mean for yourself. It'd be one thing if you were planning on getting back those that killed G--" He couldn't bring himself to say the name either. Papyrus reached out a hand towards his older brother, only for Sans to step back. "Those that killed him. But how do you know that this kid was even connected to those people? Or that any other humans that fall down here will be?" The younger skeleton hesitated, staring at the light blue soul in his hands. For once, he had nothing to say. Sans turned on his heel and headed toward the nearest opening. Papyrus called after him. He didn't bother answering.

He had to get away. If Sans couldn't convince his brother to change his mind about his decision, no one could. The Boss Skeleton opened the door to his room harder than he'd intended, but he continued to move. He packed away as many essential things as he could think of. Everything he didn't need could be left behind. Papyrus could deal with it. The very thought of his still living brother pained him, but his anger motivated the normally lazy Sans into action. When he was finished packing, there were two things he realized he needed to do. First, he tore half of the calendar of the year that Chara had fallen underground and stored it with his things. Second, he paid a visit to the basement.

The former storage area was far too quiet. Silence had taken over since the Royal Skeletons had interred Chara there, but this was somehow far more oppressive. A stone casket carved with the name and soul color of the adopted royal sibling was to be the only feature in the new crypt. This wasn't the case anymore.

Sans could feel his soul grow even colder at the sight of the second identical container adjacent to his sibling's. A quick glance further into the room confirmed his suspicions. Five other slabs had defiled this place, along with the tools to shape the stones to hold more dead children. There was nothing more he could do for the child with the light blue soul (he tried desperately to remember their name but the horror of what his brother had done still filled him). He could, however, save his sibling from spending an eternity with his brother's sins.

While usually slow in his movements, Sans quickly used some magic to push the lid of Chara's coffin. Once the gap was wide enough to reach inside, he did so. The skeleton tried not to think about how light the body was. Or how cold his sibling was now. After making certain the wrappings around the human were secured, Sans used his magic to float his luggage next to him as he walked away from New Home. He didn't encounter a single soul as he made his way out of Capital.

Humans buried the bodies of their dead, Sans remembered. He resolved to find a place to properly lay his sibling to rest. Away from the brother he thought he knew.

\--------

It was Toriel's favorite part of the day. As soon as she parted ways with her over enthusiastic brother, the goat monster walked in the entirely opposite direction of where she was supposed to go. Sure TECHNICALLY she had a job to do, but what Undyne didn't know wouldn't kill her. Using a couple of carefully placed shortcuts, she found herself in front of the stone door just in time. She smiled and knocked on it a couple of times.

The male voice on the other side was there, same as always. "Who's there?"

"wanda."

"Wanda who?"

"wanda hang out right now?"

He chuckled. "With you? Always." This time he knocked.

"who is there?"

"Broken pencil."

"broken pencil who?"

"Forget it, this joke's pointless." Toriel laughed along with the old man and plopped down in her usual spot by the door. They exchanged jokes and news about each other's lives as they sat together as usual.

This little routine was the best thing that had happened to her in recent years. (Okay, it was tied for first with how awesome her brother was.) The goat monster could talk and talk for ages and the old man on the other side of the door would listen. Really listen. That and his excellent sense of humor made him that much more...she hesitated to use the word, but 'important' felt right. His voice was always calm and collected, but somehow it made the cold that much less noticeable. She liked to think that she helped him out too by being here. Even if she didn't contribute much more than some stupid jokes.

Today, though, something about her joking buddy seemed off. He wasn't laughing as hard as he usually did. When Toriel talked about Asgore, he didn't pay nearly as much attention as he normally would. His quiet voice was even softer than she'd come to expect. And now the old man hadn't responded to her for a while. Maybe he fell asleep? She wouldn't put it past him from how lazy he sounded, but this was pretty sudden. Toriel knocked on the door between them. "old man? you still there?" She could hear a shifting of cloth on the other side. "did i startle you?"

"A little." His voice was as calm as ever. The goat monster wished, not for the first time, that she could see his face to see if he was telling the truth. "I was thinking about the past."

She kept her own tone light, though she had a million questions about what he could possibly be thinking about. "well at least you are quiet because of that and not my jokes. they are my bread and butter, i would hate if they had gotten stale." He chuckled, a much milder reaction than what she was used to from him. Something was definitely wrong. Toriel took a breath and forced herself to ask the main question she had for her friend. "i hope...you do not mind my asking what about the past you are thinking about?" He went quiet again. She berated herself for even THINKING about asking such a personal question. They'd been having fun joking for this long and she'd gone and ruined it--

The old man's voice interrupted her thoughts. "It was...about my brother." Toriel let loose the breath she didn't realize she'd been holding. He so rarely talked about either of his brothers. She didn't know if it was to spare her any pain on his part, or just to mess around with her. He was fully capable of doing both. Either way, her curiosity was on fire.

"the one that likes your jokes or the one that hates them?"

"The one that hates them. I remembered this one time when we were young and he was convinced that there was a human living in our closet. No matter how many times mom and dad and I showed him that it was just a closet, he wouldn't believe them. So one night I decided enough was enough and set up a trap in the closet before we had to go to bed. At around the time that he'd get up because he was scared of the closet human, I pretended like I heard something coming from there. He thought I was really scared, so he went and opened the door to face the human. And, ah, got a face full of flour that I'd stolen from the kitchen instead. He was so mad...but he forgave me, eventually." He spoke in a way that made Toriel turned her head to look at the door. During their time together she had grown accustomed to his calm state of being. Which occasionally broke in favor of full on laughter when she told an especially terrible joke. Here...he sounded wistful. Nostalgic. She couldn't help but wonder if a funny story was all he had been thinking about.

There was a small part of her that wanted to change the subject. It would be a lot less stressful for them to continue to tell stupid jokes through the door between them forever. Toriel didn't even know his name, or even what he looked like. It wasn't any of her business to pry into his life. Except...she wanted to learn everything she could about him. The old man actively listened to Toriel's rambling stories about what she and Asgore got up to. He'd helped her work through her problems when she felt at her lowest and most frazzled. She couldn't just leave him out in the cold when he himself was feeling down. If he could manage to cool down the flames of her anxiety, then the goat monster could do her best to warm up the ice inside him. Still, she hesitated as she spoke. "old man...do you still...miss him?"

Silence came from the door. Toriel started to feel the cold seep into her body despite her fur and hoodie. Just as she was about to apologize, he spoke. He was so quiet she almost couldn't hear him despite her long ears. "...y-yeah. Sometimes...I really do." A small amount of cloth shifted behind the door, though she might have been hearing things considering that she was now grasping the front of her hoodie tightly. His volume only increased slightly, but it was as if a dam had sprung a leak. The old man's words trickled out, bringing forth the vast loneliness she'd only briefly sensed in previous meetings. "I'll...think of a joke that I know he'd hate and I still almost call out his name. I have...whole conversations in my head about what I'm doing where he's there. I'll figure out that a b-birthday is coming and have the urge to...to..." Toriel only heard the end of his sentence because she'd pressed her ear against the door. "...go...home."

Her heart hurt. They were so close, and yet they might as well be a thousand miles away. Lacking the ability to give the old man a warm hug and tea, she knocked on the door between them. He seemed to choke, and she felt even worse for starting up their routine when he'd been crying.

Thankfully, he managed to reply. "Who's...there?"

"orange."

"...Orange who?"

"orange you glad you have someone to talk to, then?" The old man chuckled very briefly. She could hear cloth shifting again. He was probably using his sleeve to wipe his face. Toriel continued to chat to pretend like she didn't hear that. "i know you do not like to talk about why you are behind the door...but did something happen? with your joke hating brother?"

The goat monster was really starting to hate these silences, no matter how short they were. "Let's...just say that he did something that...I just couldn't stay and watch go on. I got away and just...stayed away. Put down roots, settled in...almost felt like it was fruitless for a while there." Toriel winced.

"that was too much of a stretch."

"Sorry I'm not all that flexible. I'm out of practice, you see." She could swear she heard a wink in that sentence, somehow. At least he was feeling better, though her face was flushing a little. "Anyway. If you have anything else to ask, you might as well go for it. I'm in a talking mood for once." Despite his words, Toriel could sense that the old man would continue to avoid names when it came to specific topics. She didn't care. It was her turn to listen to what he had to say.

She'd wanted to start off with an easier question, but a mix of being unable to think of any other questions and having this rare opportunity to ask had her blurt out, "do you hate him?" The goat monster mentally kicked herself but it was too late to back down now. "your brother?"

"Starting with the big one, huh?" The old man's tone was amused, despite how serious the question was. "Nah."

She blinked. "no?"

Toriel could hear a quiet tapping through the stone door. Fingers (or claws) against stone, if she had to guess. "It's not that I hate him. It's that I love him so much that I couldn't stay to watch him become something he's not supposed to be. If anything I hurt worse BECAUSE I love him. Since I can't stop him from doing what he's doing." He'd clearly been thinking about this for quite a long time.

"i don't get it. he did whatever it was that made you come here but...you still forgive him?" The very idea was baffling.

"Loving someone and forgiving them are two very different things. You've goat to learn the difference between the two."

She didn't bother commenting on the pun. "what do you mean by that?"

"Heh, you're young. It's kinda hard to really explain, but..." He shrugged. She could hear the shrug in his voice. "Basically it's still possible to care about someone, even when they've done something you're absolutely opposed to. Even after all this time, I care about him as my brother even if I'm not ready to forgive him for what he's done."

This statement made Toriel pause and mull the thought over. After a moment or two, she responded. "i do not know if i could ever forgive anyone that did something that i hated that badly. not even asgore." It hurt to say it, but she owed the old man the truth. For a brief moment she had a sense of déjà vu. As soon as the man on the other side of the door spoke again, the feeling vanished.

"Well that's fine for you. I won't judge. You're allowed to stay mad at someone if they did something bad enough. Me...I guess I'm just too lazy to really be angry for long." Something about the way he said that made her wish that she could just destroy the door. Since she couldn't hug him, Toriel got up and hugged herself. "Hey. Change of topic but there's something I wanna ask you."

"what is it?"

"You're a sentry, right?" She blinked in surprise for the second time this meeting.

"yeah...?"

"If...a human comes through...promise me you'll look after them?" Well that was a weird question. There was something about the question that put Toriel on edge...but she couldn't refuse him. When would a human come through anytime soon, anyway?

"i promise."

**Author's Note:**

> So I've been struggling to write something angsty like this for...quite a while now. I've got another fic I've been trying to write up that's got similar themes but this AU really gets me thinking. And, uh, writing. Be on the lookout for another sad fic with more sad headcanons from me in the near future ~~(I hope)~~.
> 
> Most of the headcanons here can also apply (with some differences due to personality of course) to what I think about when it comes to main universe Toriel ~~(who is great and wonderful and flawed)~~ and Asgore ~~(also great and wonderful and flawed and sad and I want to hug him the poor guy)~~ but this AU struck me in particular because I've been in a similar situation to AT!Sans and AT!Papyrus. Namely because I lost my younger brother, and can identify with that kind of pain more readily. 
> 
> I do exaggerate a little, but the thoughts and feelings I describe here are loosely based on my own that have occurred over the past two years. I'd wanted to write more about Sans missing Gaster, but I think this turned out pretty well. Hopefully my words can help those who also struggle with grief. For those who haven't felt a significant loss in your life, I hope this helps you understand it a little better without having to suffer through it yourselves. 
> 
> I'm not looking for condolences or sympathy, although either or is appreciated. I made this fic for me, and if other people like it too then I'm fine with it. 
> 
> I'm not gonna elaborate on how my brother died in a public space, so if you want to ask me about it just head on over [here](http://sparrowhaven.tumblr.com/ask).
> 
> Thank you friisans for this lovely AU that is fun to think about, even when the thoughts turn sad.


End file.
